Published: December 11, 2020
Updated: March 27, 2021
December 11, 2020
Occasional jealousy can be healthy for a relationship and could add a little spice to your love life.
However, when you cannot get a hold on jealousy, it may cause you to sabotage your own relationships. You might put on a tight leash on your partner, read their text messages secretly, or get angry when they speak highly of someone else.
When your jealousy is getting out of control and negatively impacting your relationships, it is recommended to start learning how to stop being jealous.
Although controlling jealousy may sound elusive to you, it is possible for you to let it go once and for all and feel confident in your relationships, all the time.
Marisa Peer, a world-renowned therapist with over three decades of experience, understands that jealousy can be difficult to deal with because it masks other underlying emotions. That is why Marisa shares simple yet powerful ways that can help you learn how to deal with jealousy fast.
In this article, you will learn:
Before you learn about how to stop being jealous, it is important to understand what jealousy is and where it comes from.
Physically, it can feel like a knot in your stomach, tingling sensations through your fingers, or a heavy weight on your chest.
Many people confuse jealousy with envy or use these two terms interchangeably, but they actually mean different things.
Jealousy involves 3 people, from which two are in some form of a relationship (intimate, friend, or other), and a third person that is perceived as a threat.
Envy usually involves 2 people—you and the person you envy.
Jealousy is the feeling that appears when you feel someone could threaten your relationships. It could be an intimate, family, friend, or even professional relationship.
You could also be jealous of another parent for hanging out with your kids or a friend who gets all the attention.
Envy is when other people own what you want to have but do not. You could envy a neighbor who bought the dream car you always wanted or a coworker who got promoted.
The feeling of jealousy comes up when a potential threat to your relationship appears.
This explanation though is just the tip of the iceberg.
The real question is, why do you think that someone can threaten your relationship?
It happens because unconsciously, you compare yourself with another person and conclude that they are better than you in one way or another.
Instead of looking inward to understand why you may be feeling this way, a deep feeling of insecurity begins to fester inside and unhealthy mind chatter begins.
You start telling yourself that your partner, your kids, or friends will choose that other person over you to connect, play, or hang out with.
This panic-like behavior is understandable because feeling jealous is similar to how we would react when facing a life-threatening situation.
Now, let’s go one step deeper and explore why you would compare yourself to other people in the first place.
There are several possible reasons.
Evolutionary speaking, jealousy is a biological response inherited from our ancestors to ensure our survival.
Men exhibit jealousy primarily to ensure their DNAs are passed on. Women, in contrast, need the men to provide food and shelter for themselves and their children. In short, jealousy exists to secure our partners so we can survive and pass on our genes.
Our past experiences may also fan the flames of jealousy. If an ex betrayed us in the past, we will subconsciously believe that our current or future partner might do the same. This is why we jump into paranoia whenever we suspect even the slightest hints of betrayal.
With that said, celebrity therapist, Marisa Peer, suggests that the most common cause of jealousy is low self-esteem.
People with low self-esteem compare themselves with others a lot. They think others are better than them and that people or partners will leave them sooner or later because they are not good enough.
When it comes to learning how to stop being jealous, most people believe that eliminating the threat is the solution.
However, this is not true, and here’s why:
A threat is only a threat if you perceive it to be as such. If we view the world from a lens of competition, scarcity, or insecurity, then everyone and everything can potentially be a threat.
So if you find yourself to be jealous in counterproductive and unhealthy ways, know that the reality of the problem isn't the threat per se. It stems from your own insecurity and mindset.
The fact of the matter is, it all starts in your mind.
”Your mind is the most powerful tool you own”—Marisa Peer
With that said, let's further deconstruct your jealousy by taking a deep dive into your mind and work with it from the inside out.
You are sitting opposite your boyfriend in your favorite restaurant.
As you are browsing the menu, your boyfriend went to get a glass of water. You look around the room and catch him laughing with the waitress. “She is definitely flirting with him”—says the voice in your head.
Instead of feeling angry or upset, you feel calm and relaxed. You trust your partner will stay with you even if the girl flirts with him. You even giggle while looking at the situation unfold.
The best thing is, after your boyfriend returns to the table, both of you talk and laugh as usual—as if your jealousy never existed.
You can easily be just like that when you learn how to stop being jealous and let go of jealousy for good. Let’s walk you through the 7 ways to overcome jealousy.
Denying your jealousy is like adding fuel to the fire. It’ll only increase and make the feeling stronger. One counterintuitive way to reduce its power over you is by admitting to yourself that you are feeling jealous.
Whenever you notice jealous thoughts in your mind, pause and take a moment to acknowledge it. Tell yourself the truth, “this is jealousy.”
This can help you separate yourself from your jealousy, preventing you from losing your temper or spiraling into anxiety.
You can do that by paying close attention to certain types of triggering thoughts that may arise.
Some examples of thoughts that can trigger jealousy to look out for are:
Jealousy, like all other feelings, is here to teach us something about ourselves. It can be our hidden values, fears, or beliefs.
When the feeling of jealousy comes about, be curious about what you are feeling and why. By asking yourself the right questions, you can find out more about yourself and can even uncover the root cause of your jealousy.
This is important to learn because once you deconstruct your jealousy by asking the right questions, you can understand your emotions and yourself better.
Here are some powerful questions to help you understand emotions and feelings better:
An effective way on how to stop being jealous is to put the potential consequences of being jealous on the table.
With crystal clear consequences, you will think twice before reacting to your jealousy. This leaves you a short window to acknowledge it when negative feelings come up and decide on a better course of action.
To find out the price of jealousy, ask yourself these two questions:
What is the price I pay for being jealous?
Jealousy can blind your eyes, hindering you from appreciating what you have in life. It can keep you on edge, paranoid, anxious, unable to focus, or unable to enjoy being in a relationship.
What about the price the other people pay?
Your partner might feel suffocated when you are always incessantly asking to check their phone. They might feel they do not have the freedom to talk to the opposite sex because you could easily get jealous. Eventually, they start to realize that you are limiting their freedom and could begin to build resentment toward the relationship.
If you blame yourself for being jealous, you are not alone.
You might think it is your fault for being unable to control your anger, anxiety, or fear. Perhaps, you are mad at yourself for not pulling your act together.
It is okay to feel jealous because it is a biological response we all have. Beating yourself up for something you cannot control will only make you feel more miserable.
What you can do is focus on the things within your control, such as taking care of yourself, being your own cheerleader, and treating yourself as you would treat your loved ones.
One way you can be kind to yourself is by listing 101 things you love about yourself. Yes, 101 may sound a lot but there is a good reason for it.
Most of the time, it is a breeze to write down five to 10 things you love about yourself and we need to think a tad harder to reach the 20th or 30th item.
However, the true inner work comes in when writing from the 21st or 31st item until the end. This requires us to dig deep into ourselves and identify the hidden traits that we could have forgotten.
You do not have to force yourself to write them all in one shot. Take your time and write it down whenever you think of something new to love about yourself. It can be as simple as, “I love seeing myself in the mirror.”
By the end of making the list, you have amassed 101 reasons to love yourself and learned to embrace your positive qualities. Eventually, you may come to realize one truth: you are an incredible and unique human being on this Earth.
As mentioned above, the most common cause of jealousy is low self-esteem.
This, however, is not the end of the story.
Having worked with thousands of people worldwide, Marisa Peer attributed the real underlying cause of low self-esteem, lack of self-love, and many of our fears and phobias to a primary underlying root cause.
The feeling that you—alone—are not enough.
It can be thinking you are not smart enough, beautiful enough, successful enough, or even creative enough.
When we think we are not enough as we are, all kinds of feelings emerge: self-doubt, jealousy, self-blame, loneliness, and many more. These feelings can lead to harmful behaviors such as addiction, compulsive shopping, binge eating, jealousy, and being obsessive in a relationship.
In short, “I am not enough,” is the main hindrance that is keeping you from letting go of many of your minds' negative chatter that leads to undesired behaviors.
Luckily, there is a simple fix to it—learn how to build up your self-esteem.
There are many ways to boost your self-esteem. You can try highlighting positive things about yourself, learning a new skill, listing your life accomplishments, or do things that make you happy.
However, there is one simple yet potent technique that can turn your self-esteem 180 degrees around and help you realize how great you actually are. Once you do that, your jealousy can become a thing of the past.
The “I Am Enough” affirmation is a form of positive affirmation designed to challenge negative or unhelpful mental chatter.
This simple practice is so powerful because it tackles the source of jealousy head-on: believing that you are not enough as you are.
Affirming to yourself that you are enough actually changes the command you are sending to your mind. Instead of sending messages such as “I am not smart enough,” you can use positive affirmations to replace negative commands and send positive ones such as “I am enough.”
Eventually, the new positive affirmation will take root in your mind and become your new belief.
Once that happens, it will change how you see yourself; from worthless to worthy; unlovable to lovable; from not enough to enough.
When you see yourself as enough, worthy, and lovable, jealousy has no place in you because you are at peace with all your gifts including your imperfections.
"I am enough" is the antidote to your low self-esteem.
If you frequently find yourself getting caught up in negative mental chatter, the “I am enough” affirmation can be used to replace unhelpful subconscious self-talk with more empowering narratives.
Practicing the “I Am Enough” affirmation can be extremely simple, and all you need to do is repeat to yourself, “I am enough” every day, several times a day. However, it requires regular practice if you want to make lasting, long-term changes to the ways you think and feel about yourself.
As mentioned above, a bad past relationship experience can cause jealousy to build up inside of you. It can be easy to believe that history will repeat itself. However, this is not necessarily true.
It is important to let go of your past so you can move on to the next chapter of your relationship with peace. Otherwise, the past will continue to haunt you and cause you to self-sabotage your future relationships.
In Marisa’s experience, the most effective and fastest way to let go of your past is by visiting your past experiences and replacing the disempowering interpretations with empowering narratives.
You can do this via the I Am Enough program where, with the help of hypnosis, Marisa will bring you back to the painful situation in your past, help you rewrite negative experiences, and create new empowering beliefs and thoughts.
Letting go of your negative experiences in the past will allow you to feel much lighter and freer. It will give you a chance to feel like you are born anew—stronger, wiser, and better. Best of all, nothing will be able to trigger your jealousy anymore.
Letting go of your past is a choice, and only you have the power to make it happen.
Jealousy has a bad reputation, but it is actually a natural defense mechanism. Like any other emotion, it is here to teach us something important.
For many of us, jealousy shows a lack of self-esteem in us. We feel we are not good enough for our partner, friends, family members, or bosses. We may feel we are unworthy, unlovable, or undeserving of happiness.
The reality is, this is not true.
You are worthy. You are lovable. And you deserve happiness.
You are enough.
You just have to rediscover this feeling again.
The “I Am Enough” affirmation practice is one of the most effective ways to engrave self-worth and self-esteem on your subconscious mind.
As Marisa says, one of the most powerful rules of the mind is “Every thought and word forms a blueprint that commands your mind and body to make those into a reality.”
If you say to yourself words like “I am not attractive enough,” your mind and body will act according to your beliefs. The same holds true for empowering words and thoughts. So be kind and tell yourself every day, “I am good enough.” “I am smart enough.” “I am beautiful enough.”
The "I Am Enough" affirmation on its own is a powerful tool you can use to reprogram your mind. If you wonder how it works and what else you can do to straighten your self-esteem and get rid of jealousy, we have a free “I Am Enough” masterclass for you.
In this masterclass, Marisa explains how words can change your reality and help you unlock the past experiences that formed low self-esteem in you. So you can start working with your past and let go of jealousy forever.
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