How to Be More Confident: A 4-Step Guide to Boosting your Self-Steem
Having self-confidence and high self-esteem can be a lot more powerful than it first may seem. When a person is confident and secure in themselves, truly believing that they are enough and never putting themselves down, they can go on to achieve abundance in life. We all have wants, needs and desires, yet many people do not realize that their own confidence is the key to unlocking their goals.
This article is going to explore the meaning of self-confidence and self-esteem, how to be more confident, and what you can attract into your life with the help of Marisa Peer and her powerful thought-provoking words.
What is Self-Confidence?
If you are looking for information on how to be more confident, start by making sure that you truly understand the meaning of the phrase. A quick Google search to define the meaning says ‘a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment.’ For me, the meaning of self-confidence is when you feel like no matter what situation you find yourself in, you have the ability to remain assured in your decisions and your beliefs. It’s the feeling of an undoubtedly pledge to believe in yourself and not let anyone or anything make you think otherwise.
What is High Self-Esteem?
Whilst self-confidence is about the assurance in your abilities and decisions, having high self-esteem is more about your own sense of self-worth and love. An article on Psychology Today explains the difference between the two as the following: ‘People usually find it easier to build their self-confidence than their self-esteem, and, conflating one with the other, end up with a long list of abilities and achievements. Rather than facing up to their imperfections and failures, they hide them behind their certificates and prizes. But as anyone who has been to university knows, a long list of abilities and achievements is neither sufficient nor necessary for healthy self-esteem. While people keep on working on their list in the hope that it might one day be long enough, they try to fill the emptiness inside them with status, income, possessions, relationships, sex, and so on.
Self-confidence and self-esteem do not always go hand in hand. In particular, it is possible to be highly self-confident and yet to have profoundly low self-esteem, as is the case, for example, with many performers and celebrities, who can perform before an audience of thousands but then damage and even kill themselves with drugs.’
Even Successful People Can Have Low Self-Esteem
Marisa Peer has worked with many high-profile clients who have struggled with their self-esteem. During one of her live conferences, Marisa recalled a particular showbiz client from Beverly Hills.
An LA producer phoned Marisa and explained that one of their major celebrities was having a meltdown and was threatening to walk off of a TV show currently being filmed. They asked her to go to his house and do whatever she could to keep him on the show. The producer warned that this celebrity only allowed Porsches, Ferraris or Jaguars to be parked outside his house. Marisa had rented a Mustang and was advised to park it around the corner out of his sight. After arriving at his very lavish home, Marisa knocked on the door and the client opened it and said: “I don’t know why they sent some Brit here to sort me out. You know, I’ve been in every rehab. I’ve been everywhere. I’ve seen every therapist. No one can help me.” He then proceeded to tell Marisa that she reminded him of his third wife who was such a disappointment to him. Marisa remained calm and changed the subject to how lovely his house is. He then said that he hated it and also his neighbors and that he would leave soon. Marisa then noticed that he had a BAFTA award displayed and she commented on it in an impressed way. He said: “Do you know what a curse it is to get a BAFTA? Every time I make a film, I’m expected to get another BAFTA.”
From that moment, Marisa knew exactly what the underlying issue was and gave him an instant diagnosis. She explained that his problem was that he believed he was not enough. He immediately started to cry. Marisa then got him to talk about his childhood to see where this feeling of not being enough stemmed from. It turned out that he was raised in a trailer park and his parents had very little money.
His father was a construction worker who struggled to find work and his mother worked as a night nurse. Due to his mother working nights, as a child he would cook his father his evening meals. Marisa asked, “Did your dad ever share his food?” and he replied, “Are you kidding? He would share that with the dog before he even gave me his leftovers.” Marisa could then understand that by his father favoring the wellbeing of the dog over his son, none of the boy’s needs were being met.
Marisa believes that children idolize their parents, if your parents are wrong, you can’t ever get to idolize them so you think that you must be the problem instead. It’s a belief of not feeling good enough due to your parents not liking you. For the client, this created a drive in him to be extraordinarily famous and successful in a bid to feel enough and make his parents feel better about him. She instructed him to say to himself every day in the shower, ‘I am enough’ over and over again. Marisa then took a lipstick and wrote the phrase all over the mirrors in his house. She also took his phone and set it as an alert so that every morning and every night he would see the words ‘I Am Enough’ pop up.
Six weeks later, she bumped into the client again and he was almost unrecognizable. He undid his shirt and said “Look at me, I have lost so much weight, look how flat my stomach is! I never would have believed that those three words could change my life.” He then explained that he had sold the Porsche, bought a Mini instead, and was dating a hairdresser which was completely different to what he would usually go for ― models and actresses. He finally learned how to be more confident and was happy to live a normal life, it was amazing.
A 4-Step Guide on How to Be More Confident
These steps are designed to help you easily apply a methodical approach on how to be more confident and self-assurance:
1. Realize that only you are capable of making a change
Before you learn how to be more confident, you have to understand that feeling self-confident and having high self-esteem has to come from your own efforts and beliefs.
In Marisa’s ‘I Am Enough’ book, she explains: ‘If you believe that someone else must take on the job of making you better you will always be disappointed and you will always be needy, whereas if you believe you can meet many of your needs yourself, you will do better in life and be a more attractive prospect to others. We are all responsible for our happiness; we can’t give that job to someone else and after all, if someone else has the power to make you happy then they equally have the power to make you unhappy.’
An article on PsyPost emulates Marisa’s belief. According to a publication by the Social Psychology Bulletin, people with low self-esteem are more likely to seek support from an intimate partner in a manner that tends to backfire. ‘The researchers were particularly interested in a phenomenon known as indirect support seeking―meaning sulking, whining, fidgeting, and/or displaying sadness to elicit support. People are believed to engage in this type of indirect communication because they fear being rejected.
In two studies, with 176 couples in total, the researchers found that those with lower self-esteem were more likely to engage in indirect support seeking. This type of support seeking was, in turn, associated with a greater chance of a partner responding with criticism, blame, or disapproval.
Those with low self-esteem―but not those with high self-esteem―also viewed their partner as less responsive to their needs when they responded negatively to their support seeking.’
2. Remember to look at the bigger picture
Try not to get bogged down by little things, especially if they are out of your control. It’s good to take a step back when you feel overwhelmed, focus on something that is still. Bring back a sense of grounding to prevent your mind from going into overdrive and stressing yourself out. I often like to think to myself when I’m worried about something: I’ve dealt with much worse than this before, and look at me now, I’m fine. This feeling will pass and all will be OK.
An article on Goalcast looked at the daily habits of successful Hollywood actress Meryl Streep. The star quoted “The formula of happiness and success is just being yourself in the most vivid way possible you can.”
The author, Lindsay Tigar, stated the following: ‘We all are guilty of getting caught in the muck of stress, deadlines, anxieties and worries. It is human nature to succumb to the intense pressure of overcommitting yourself or doubting your abilities to finish projects or reach a certain goal. But when we take a step back―and exhale―we can more clearly see the bigger picture.
Meryl Streep shared if she could go back and speak with her 20-something self, she’d remind her to think grander. Instead of harping on the details, she wishes she would have spent more time understanding the important role she was playing in culture. “…the thing is that you’re representing lives, and lives look all different ways and shapes. That’s one thing I do see changing, and it’s really good. It makes the cultural landscape richer,” she shared in a podcast.’
3. Accept compliments graciously
Most people grow up to believe that modesty is a good trait to have and arrogance is not. However, this can sometimes cause people to be afraid of sharing or celebrating their successes or even to accept compliments graciously. In Marisa’s ‘I Am Enough’ book, she has a chapter called ‘Criticism Withers; Praise Builds’ and she quotes: “Belief without talent can take you further than talent without belief, but when you have both you are unstoppable.”
Quite often, when someone pays another person a compliment, the person protests it by not agreeing or downplaying the trait that is being complimented on. For example, someone could say “I love your outfit, it really suits you.” The recipient might then reply with “Oh, I’ve had it for years, it’s so old fashioned, I’ve gained weight and it’s the only thing that fits!” An extract from Marisa’s book explains this scenario:
‘We are socialized from a relatively young age to demur when we are given compliments. We deflect, minimize and self-deprecate because we’ve been taught that the worst thing we can be is arrogant. Even if we know or agree with the compliment we are receiving, we don’t allow ourselves to take it in―we deflect.’
Going back to the example of someone paying a person a compliment, a different reply could be “Thank you, I’ve had this a while, it’s one of my favorites!” This gracious acceptance of a compliment will teach you how to be more confident and make you radiate self-esteem. The more you radiate it, the more it will come back to you through meeting like-minded, positive people.
A blog post by Jenny Shaw on the Flashpack website concurs with Marisa’s outlook. ‘With age, I have realized that there is nothing wrong with admitting that you are doing something well and this feeds into that quiet sense of self-assurance and confidence.
Whilst arrogance must be one of the worst features a person can display, there is a big gap between confidence and arrogance, something which can take a while to realize.’
4. Praise yourself
One of the easiest ways to boost your confidence and self-esteem is to praise yourself regularly and Learn to Love Yourself. Become aware of your internal dialogue and change it to be positive and empowering. Plus-size model Ashley Graham recently spoke about this in an interview published in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit magazine: “I think a lot of people look in the mirror and they say ‘Oh, I’m sad’ or ‘I’m ugly, I’m stupid, I’m not worthy, or XYZ’. You have to really understand that your words have power. When I was 17 my mum helped me make these affirmations ‘I am bold, I am brilliant, I am beautiful, I am worthy of all, and I love you’. Those are my affirmations and everybody’s affirmations are different because everybody’s struggling with different issues.”
Marisa has a section dedicated to confidence and self-esteem on her online blog. In a previous article ‘Hypnosis for Confidence and Self-Esteem: Hypnotherapy Can Rebuild Your Self-Worth’ there is a quote from Marisa which explains how everyone is capable of retrieving their self-esteem. “All babies and young children have high self-esteem. They accept compliments and don’t have a fear of being judged. It’s only as we get older that we acquire the fear of people rejecting us. With hypnotherapy, you can tap back into this inner confidence and use it to transform your life.” Due to us all being born with unshakeable confidence, it is possible with the power of our minds to regain this.
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- At a very early age, you might have acquired a fear of being judged. Most us experience this fear throughout our lives, and it is so easy to let that fear take away our self-esteem
- Is it difficult to get back? My answer is NO, it is not! And I can teach you how to do it
- In this FREE course, I will show you how to escape the fear of judgement that may have been residing inside you for years.
- You’ll learn how to control and eliminate this fear, leaving only a STRONG sense of self-esteem in its place.
Click on the button below to be taken through a short quiz to claim your free Self-Esteem mini-course.
This free audio download ‘Confidence & Self-Esteem’ can be played in the comfort of your own home. It features Marisa speaking directly to your subconscious mind as if you were having a personal session with her. Marisa will show you how to escape the fear and anxiety of judgment that may have been residing inside you for years. You will learn how to control and eliminate this fear, leaving only a strong sense of self-esteem in its place.
Attract Abundance into Your Life
Once you have boosted your confidence and self-esteem, and you feel better about yourself, it then becomes the time to attract whatever you desire into your life. In this YouTube video, Marisa explains which two things you need to be fulfilled in order to be happy and attract what you want.
If you would like to discover more about confidence and self-esteem, please browse through Marisa’s dedicated section on her blog where you can read articles and listen to interviews with Marisa. You can also sign up to our Wellness Weekly digest below to join our 10k+ readers and be the first to know about new topics, awareness days, special offers and free gifts.