Have you ever wondered “will I ever find love?” Ever since we were young, we expected to someday find our partner and live our happily ever after.
While it could be true for some people, for most of us, it can seem like nothing is further from the truth. We go through multiple partners and become jaded, or never meet anyone in the first place that we can see ourselves building a life with. Do you ever find yourself asking these questions?
If you feel that way, you are not alone. In fact, you may have already got used to accepting you will never find love. Finding love is difficult, simply because modern dating can be ambiguous and confusing. There is a popular idea of what “true love” is, and that idea does not always conform to what happens in real life.
In this article, we explore:
- Why is it so difficult to find love?
- The most common mistakes which hold us back from finding love
- What does a healthy relationship look like?
- How to free yourself from limiting beliefs and increase your chances of finding love
So, what exactly is the fear of never finding love?
What is the fear of never finding love?
Whilst the fear of never falling in love isn’t an official phobia in itself, it is sometimes considered as part of Autophobia. This is a fear of rejection and isolation. It’s closest cousin is Philophobia, which is a fear of falling in love.
Why Is It So Difficult to Find Love?
Perhaps the first question on everyone’s minds is—why is it so difficult to find love?
It seems like it is getting harder and harder to find love, and the statistics agree. According to one research, there are now 117.9 million adults who are divorced, widowed or have been single all their lives in the US, up from 115.8 million the previous year.
Even around the world, people are staying single for longer. This is partly because the idea of love has evolved over the past 50 years. Today, love and romantic relationships no longer take center stage in life. Things like financial status, career, lifestyle choices (such as a desire to travel) have become equally important.
Understanding the big picture can help give perspective on why it seems difficult to find love today. However, the global trend is only a part of it. The truth is, many of us complicate our own search for love and make it harder for ourselves.
For instance, many of us have this misguided idea that true love is supposed to complete us and make us happy despite the fact that we are responsible for our own happiness.
Such unrealistic expectations of our romantic partner usually stem from a deeper problem. For example, feelings of inadequacy and not being enough. We often look to someone else to (unsuccessfully) fill that need, which of course, results in a disappointing, frustrating cycle.
Not working on loving and accepting yourself is simply one of the many mistakes which stop you from finding love. Below, we list other common issues that can hinder your search for a healthy romantic relationship.
What are the chances of finding love?
Falling in love, unfortunately, cannot be reduced to a mathematical equation. There is no way of truly telling what the chances of finding love are, because every single relationship is unique. However, if you are serious about finding love, you can improve the likelihood of meeting the one by taking an active role. Love is waiting for you, and it wants to be found.
Carry on reading to find out from popular therapist Marisa Peer more about common mistakes and slip-ups that occur when searching for love, and how you can improve your chances of finding that one person that makes your world brighter.
The Most Common Mistakes That Hold Us Back From Finding Love
1. You are not actively searching for love
One of the most common mistakes people make while searching for love is believing that it will happen, regardless of what they do.
However, the reality is that if you do not put yourself out there, socialize, and meet new people, it becomes impossible to find a suitable partner in the first place.
Today, online dating has become the norm. Although it has become much easier to meet someone new online, it is no excuse not to meet people in real life. The fact is, you must still go out on dates to develop a relationship with someone.
Recognize that your search for love is the same as your professional development. It requires action and commitment. Schedule dates, expand your social circle and make it a point to get to know new people.
It sounds scary, but don’t be afraid of rejection. Think of your search for love as an exciting adventure that comes from a place of abundance and not out of fear.
Once you cultivate the right mindset and actively take responsibility for your search, you’ll create an environment filled with romantic opportunities for yourself.
2. Not being clear about what you want and lowering your standards
A common phrase that casually gets thrown at single people is “your standards are too high.” Many consider this a fault, even though having high standards is key to living an uncompromised life.
In fact, the real problem may just be the opposite. Many people are willing to lower their standards and accept relationships that are neither healthy nor constructive for them. Consequently, they end up in toxic or short-term relationships that bring them further away from the type of relationship they really want.
Before going out on your search, reflect on what is truly important to you. Be conscious and intentional about the relationship you are trying to attract.
Ask yourself, “What values are important to me in love and relationships?” Knowing the answer to this question will give you a better clue of what to look for in a potential partner.
When you have a clear idea of the kind of relationship you want, you can immediately recognize potential partners who are a good fit.
3. Focusing on the wrong things
On the other end of the spectrum, some place too much emphasis on less important markers, such as physical attractiveness.
While physical attraction is a part of romance, it should not be the deciding factor for a healthy, long-term relationship.
One study showed that physical attractiveness had no correlation to the level of satisfaction couples had in their relationship over the long run.
Of course, this does not mean that physical attractiveness is unimportant when it comes to finding a partner. It simply means that there are plenty of other equally important factors such as intelligence, fidelity, etc.
In other words, it is important to keep an open mind when considering long-term partnerships. An attractive partner may keep you happy in the short-term, but you would need much more than just physical attractiveness for a truly fulfilling relationship.
Another common question people searching for love tend to ask themselves is “when will I find love?” There is no time limit to finding love, and placing timers on your personal development and betterment in the pursuit of love, can only lead to disappointment. Try to relax. Trust that it will happen and focus on yourself above all else.
4. Not actively working on yourself and your baggage
We all have baggage. Whether it is childhood trauma brought on by our parents, or a bad experience from a previous relationship. We are all likely carrying something that stops us from living a truly fulfilling life.
Marisa Peer, a globally-renowned therapist, says in her book ‘I Am Enough’, “While everyone is different, the truth is simple: You can’t undo your past, but what you can do is change your narrative about it.”
Working on yourself is one of the best ways of finding and cultivating a healthy and loving relationship. After all, it is impossible to be in a healthy relationship if you do not appreciate or value yourself.
On the other hand, having a strong sense of self-worth and being aware of your issues will help you communicate better with your partner before problems arise. It also ensures that when you do eventually find someone compatible, you can maintain that relationship and develop it into a long-term commitment.
5. Engaging in negative self-talk
Many people believe that their lack of a current, healthy relationship is a reflection of themselves. Negative experiences, or lack of romantic partners, some people believe, are due to their own inadequacies and shortcomings.
This could lead to negative self-talk. For example: “I’ll never find love”, “I will never be loved”, and “I am not good enough to find love.” This will only serve to reduce your self-esteem. When the time does come where you might meet someone, these thoughts will be ingrained. You won’t be able to visualise any possibility of a healthy relationship with this person, because you believe you are just simply not enough.
By actively attempting to change and replace these thought patterns with positive, affirming phrases instead, you will find your confidence and self-esteem will receive a boost. So when the time comes, you are in the perfect position to welcome in love.
What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?
It can be hard to find love, especially if you are not sure what to look for. Before searching for a romantic partner, it is crucial to recognize what a healthy, constructive relationship looks like.
While the ideal relationship will be different for everyone, look for these ‘green markers’ in a relationship. A healthy relationship is often based on these essential pillars:
- Mutual respect: Understand that both of you are truly partners, in every sense of the word. Both of you respect each other and treat each other as equals, supporting each other in the relationship.
- Honesty and trust: You and your partner trust each other and can honestly communicate with each other. Cultivate a relationship where you understand that not all your conversations will be easy, but that you will always be able to express yourself while keeping each other’s best interest in mind.
- Unique identities: Although romantic relationships can feel addictive (especially in the early stages), you and your partner must take responsibility for your own lives and identities. Being involved in each other’s lives is important, but be careful not to become codependent.
- Healthy conflict resolution: Being able to resolve conflicts healthily is perhaps one of the most important aspects of a relationship. It is easy to be in love when things are good, but it is only during times of conflict that your relationship is really put to the test. Couples who can communicate well and work together to resolve problems create a strong foundation to build their relationship on.
- Room for growth: Growing a relationship is just like growing anything of value—both of you must have common goals, plans for the future, and put in a lot of work. Be sure to set milestones not just for yourself but also for both of you to work towards together.
Now that you have a better idea of what a healthy relationship looks like, you can better recognize the signs of a potential long-term romantic partner. Here are a few other tips on how to open yourself up to romantic possibilities out there.
How To Free Yourself From Limiting Beliefs and Increase Your Chances of Finding Love
1. Be open-minded
One of the biggest obstacles in our search for love is that many of us restrict our own chances of finding it.
We set stringent (and often superficial) standards that limit our pool of potential partners. As mentioned earlier, we tend to focus on less important factors such as physical attractiveness and end up dismissing people even before we get to know them.
Rather than having a long checklist that is difficult to fill, make a ‘must-have’ list based on your potential partner’s values. Observe their character and whether they take responsibility for their behaviors—these traits are crucial to developing a fulfilling, long-term relationship.
However, being open-minded is not limited to just how you evaluate a potential partner—it also refers to being open to romantic possibilities.
A positive mindset is incredibly powerful in helping you create romantic opportunities.
After decades of working with CEOs, rock stars, Olympic athletes, and Oscar-winning celebrities, Marisa Peer has observed that having a set of empowering beliefs and behaviors can unlock your mind’s potential and attract love and romance into your life.
Marisa has helped numerous people all over the world to unlock their mind’s potential and attract the love they desire, and build a happy, lasting relationship. She does that by using hypnotherapy to work with the subconscious mind, reprogram dysfunctional beliefs and replace them with empowering ones.
If you are doubtful that you can find love, you might have a dysfunctional belief in yourself. The good news is, you can reprogram your mind—release old limiting beliefs and install empowering ones instead. You can open your mind to the possibility of finding your future partner on your next train ride, social outing, or even your next swipe on a dating app.
2. Evaluate your own beliefs about dating
Take some time to reflect on your beliefs about dating—do you think you are not attractive enough or worthy of love?
Low self-esteem is one of the biggest obstacles to finding love. The belief that you are not deserving of love may exist in your subconscious and manifests itself in acts of self-sabotage even without you realizing.
Furthermore, feelings of worthlessness in either yourself or your partner can result in a toxic relationship that is difficult to get out of.
Over the years, the world-renowned therapist Marisa Peer has discovered that the feeling of not being enough is the leading cause of most people’s problems, including love and relationships.
So the key to addressing this issue is to instill an absolute, unwavering belief that you are enough, lovable and worthy. Once you cultivate this mindset, you approach the world with a powerful new perspective that attracts an abundance of romance and love into your life.
Marisa has helped thousands of her clients break free from this paralyzing belief, and develop happy, long-term relationships with their romantic partners. She has distilled the core principles behind her technique in her ‘I Am Enough’ free masterclass.
Know that you are enough, you are deserving of love, and that you have the power to change your life.
With the ‘I Am Enough’ free masterclass, you shift your mindset to reflect this, and you will begin to attract love and romance into your life.
3. Learn to be vulnerable when it counts
When it comes to new relationships, one of the trickiest things to do is being vulnerable. Many fall into one of two extremes—they are either completely closed off or share too much.
You do not have to subscribe to one or the other; choose a comfortable middle-ground where you can express yourself without being defensive or oversharing.
Vulnerability is essential for meaningful connections. It helps develop joy, intimacy, closeness, and gratitude in your relationships.
Learn to be vulnerable in your interactions, and see if your potential partner can reciprocate—if both of you can be vulnerable with each other, you are off to a good start!
On the other hand, if you or your potential partner find it difficult to be vulnerable, this often indicates a fear of rejection. Overcoming this is not easy, but it is achievable by working on yourself.
4. Continue to work on yourself
Perhaps the best thing you can do to increase your chances of finding love is to continue to work on yourself.
As the saying goes, “Happy people attract happy people.” If you want to attract a positive, self-confident person, you must first develop these qualities in yourself. In other words, be the person that you would like to meet!
The best way to accelerate your personal growth and attract a healthy and fulfilling relationship is by working on breaking down your previously held limiting beliefs surrounding relationships, and learn how to cultivate an authentic, rewarding relationship for when the time does come. You can do that by joining Marisa Peer’s 21-Day Meaningful Relationship Challenge.
With daily trainings over a three week period, along with audios, meditations, and a community connection with those experiencing similar situations to you, you will develop a transformative confidence when it comes to love and relationships, and give yourself the best chance to start something beautiful when your path crosses with your future partner’s. Simply click the banner below to find out more about Marisa Peer’s intensive and life-changing challenge.
Closing Thoughts From Marisa Peer
We have all experienced the fear of never finding love, but the truth is, you have so much power and potential to control the course of your life.
When you believe that you are enough, that you are deserving of love, that you are capable and worthy of the life and relationship you dream of, love and opportunity instantly gravitate towards you.
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AUTHOR: MARISA PEER
Marisa shares her 30 years of experience as a multi-award-winning therapist to celebrities, top athletes, and even royalty. She is the founder and creator of RTT®, the cutting-edge method and hybrid solution-based approach that can deliver extraordinary transformations.
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